I’ve had enough. There has been a lot of lies, hate, pride and anger going around with the people I know in the past months. I have been hearing a lot of versions of a particular story, that I really don’t know who to believe. And these had led people to gossip more, to slander people more. It’s not a very good scenario. Friends going against friends.

It’s sad really.. And very disappointing. Not to mentioned that I was so disillusioned. And I really had to remind myself, I can’t expect these people to react and think like me. We had lived in different times, brought up in different environments and have different personalities and characteristics.

Last night, as I was on my way to Nagoya, I came to a decision to distance myself from these people. I’m choosing to be indifferent to their situation, and I’m choosing not to be involved to keep myself from gossiping and slandering other people. Besides, I’m not really comfortable being with “posers” or people who are “doble-kara”.

Enough. Done.

For the past several weeks, I have been asked a lot of times if I’m planning to stay here in Japan for a long time. And more often than not, I’d be asked if I’m not planning to migrate to an English-speaking country.

Honestly, I don’t know what I want to do yet. The only sure thing is that, I don’t want to stay nor settle down here in Japan. It’s just the timing of when to pack up and leave.

A part of me doesn’t want to migrate to another country. I love the Philippines, my family and friends are there, and if I’d receive a job offer with a satisfying salary, benefits and an opportunity to grow professionally, I would stay in the Philippines. But a part of me wants to go to another country, to try their culture and their lifestyle. And when I think of my future family, I want to give them a better opportunity that first-world countries could give – access to better education and health services. Of course, I’m also thinking of the environment that my future kids would have. So I need to consider the level of discrimination, crime rate and most especially proximity to a Catholic Church.

So I really, really need to think hard, pray hard and research. And as my uncle said, even if I’ve already made a decision, I know that it’s still up to God where He’d put me.

i can’t believe how logical and objective i had become.

when i was younger and was still studying, i was so emotionally attached to everyone around me. i easily get hurt and be affected by the little things. i wanted to please everybody, up to the extent that i was already hurting myself just to keep everyone happy. i hide my hurts with my smiles and laughters, though deep inside i can hardly breathe with the burden i was carrying. i learned how to control my emotions, learned how to keep my tears from falling.

and right now, i’ve grown and i’ve learned so much. i pride myself with an objective mind, usually rationalizing things. though i still get hurt and be affected with things around me, i try to see them in a different light. when faced with a difficult situation, i try to put my emotions in a box and think as objective as i could. and being alone in a foreign land, i’ve learned to keep my cool. i learned to be indifferent, always thinking that i’m here on my own. don’t get me wrong, i wasn’t a loner here. in fact, i had friends here. but i realized that they also come and go.

i realized that the things that have happened in the past, and are happening in the present have made me like this. i’ve become more literal and more objective in dealing with people. i take things as they are, so i hardly notice even sarcastic/jealous tones. i always reason out that life is complicated enough to be bothered by such trivial stuffs. it’s just a waste of time and energy, really.

emotional attachments are good, but i realized that i should keep them in the minimum. i don’t like complicated, i just want simple things. maybe this is my defense mechanism so i wouldn’t get hurt in relating with other people. and the less people that i’m close to, the less chances that i’d be hurt. right?

have you ever prayed about being spared from becoming involved in politics? what more, church politics? it’s really nasty, even how minutely you’re involved. there’s a lot of hurts, resentments and disappointments. relationships are broken, and even some people leave church because of this.

i don’t get it.. i mean, aren’t we supposed to know better? aren’t we supposed to understand each other better since we have the same goal, and that is to serve the Lord? and does it really matter who leads a committee or who makes decisions etc.? whoever’s at the top, to God’s eyes, we’re all equal. we’re all servants and we’re all serving one God. and everyone plays an important role, even if it’s not a leadership role.

why is there politics in church? one possible reason is the desire for recognition. you can’t deny that everyone wants to be recognized for the good things that they’re doing for the church. i’m not against this, cause i also believe that these recognitions are forms of encouragement, it is supposed to be a good thing. but if you actively seek the attention, then i guess you should check your motive for serving God. do you really want to serve Him because you want to give Him back the blessings that He had given you, or you want people to notice you because of your generosity, talents, skills or your goodness?

sometimes, it’s much better to serve in the background. people might not notice what you’re doing, but that’s okay. in your heart, you know that you’re doing good, and that you’re serving God, and that’s the most important thing. you know that the greatest recognition comes from God, and it surpasses any kind of attention that any man can give.

spring cleaning. according to wikipedia, it is “the period in spring time set aside for cleaning a house, normally applied in climates with a cold winter.” and here in japan, people have already started their annual spring cleaning.

for me, spring cleaning is that time of the year when i have to clean, organize and decide which of my possessions i would throw/give/put away. for someone who’s sentimental like me, i don’t usually throw stuffs. so every year, i accumulate a lot of things, objects that i really don’t use but keep anyway because of sentimental reasons. and it’s not only sentimental stuffs, but also objects that i have no use now, but keep them anyway for “future” use, which never happens. so i keep on collecting and collecting all of these clutters, that most of the time, i can’t find those things that are really essential and useful.

similarly, as catholics, we have also this time of the year when we have our own “spring cleaning” in our lives. during lent, we reflect on the way that we had lived, and how cluttered our lives had become because of our sins. and most of the time, due to these clutters, we fail to see God’s forgiveness, mercy and faithfulness.

Unlike the spring cleaning of our houses wherein we’re doing the dirty work, God had already done the “dirty work” for us, and the only thing that we had to do is to approach Him and ask for forgiveness. We may need a lot of equipments and strength to finish cleaning our houses; but God only requires a repentant and sincere heart from us for us to be forgiven and be clean.

in this time of the year when everyone’s busy doing their spring cleaning, let’s not forget to clean and “declutter” our lives. God is just waiting for us.

have you done your spring cleaning yet?

Note: picture by lusi from stock.xchng site.