sometimes, it’s not enough to say the words “i’m here for you”. most of the times, it’s not enough to just say “i’m sorry” or “i didn’t mean to”. and it’s never enough to say “i love you” or “i care for you”.
these words have no meaning if it’s just words. but accompanied by gestures or actions, these words come to life.
how can you be sure that you’re ready to make the next big step of your life? i heard people say that they’re already ready to get married and settle down. but how do you know when you’re ready?
sometimes i wish i was a bit selfish and a bit insensitive. not too much.. just a little bit. i wonder what’s it like to just think of yourself, oblivious of how your actions will affect other people. whenever i say or do something, i always put myself in their shoes, always thinking of how they’ll react to what i’m going to say or do.
i wonder…
ever since i came back here, i’ve been busy with my work. every day, i have over time. the last time i’ve experienced this was 2005, when me and Arthur first came in Murase Denki. I experienced working til 11pm during winter! it was a good thing that we live beside the office, but anyway, we were so busy back then.
and right now, i’m also that busy. the project has just started last september and development started last month. and based on our project schedule, we’d be like this until about april. but i’m not really complaining that i’m so busy. it somehow helps me to forget that christmas is just around the corner. i know that during this time, i’m more prone to homesickness, especially now that i’m alone here. first christmas without any filipinos around me. but of course, i would not stay home for the holidays. i’d be spending with ate cecile and her family in nagoya. christmas, after all, should be spent with family, or in my case, people i consider as family.
i wrote this entry 2 months ago, after reading a document from my previous company..
what do i really want? do i really want to stay or leave?
i just read a document, and i’m excited to see that there are a lot of things that could happen. honestly, i want to be a part of those things, share what i’ve learned and experienced. but also, a part of me felt that i was neglected, and a bit forgotten.
right now, i really don’t feel i belong to “that” family. i just read about them. i just see pictures of them. sometimes, i felt that it’s just courtesy to email me about stuffs. or it’s just polite to include me in the mailing list, but they don’t really give a damn about me (except for some real friends). actually, it’s better to receive these kind of letters, even if they don’t concern me, than not to receive at all. sometimes, i just get some news from “that” family through some friends.
maybe that’s why when the thought of “coming home” entered my mind, even if i’m hurt or i have resentments, i feel excited. the thought of coming home, the thought of renewing my ties to people, the thought of being with them once again, these made me feel that finally, i could really call them family.
but then again, maybe it’s time for me to grow and move on. maybe, in the future, i could come back and renew the ties that i had. maybe. just maybe.
they say that love comes when you least expect it.
and for me, i really didn’t.
i was a shy person when i was growing up. i usually have stage-fright when in front of an audience. the only time that i was not that scared was when i was tasked to play the guitar in our community in college. so when i was asked to join a group of Filipinos from Church to perform in the Unity and Bonding celebration at Nagoya, I was a bit hesitant.
The preparation for this event was not easy. The planning took months and we practiced for more than 2 months. It was hard for me, since I was tasked to facilitate the practice and to teach and conduct the songs that we’re going to sing. It was particularly hard because the people in the group were not from my age group. they’re older than me, old enough to be my mom. So personally, it was a difficult task to rally these women. Whenever I had to correct them, I had to consider their feelings and how I would say these to them. i feel uncomfortable telling those older than me that they’re wrong.
the whole event was a success. everyone liked our presentation and i don’t think we did any major mistakes during the presentation. the audience enjoyed our presentation and we also had fun performing. and that’s the important thing right? building camaraderie with the other Filipinos and to be united as we live in a foreign land.
okay.. this blog really need some upgrades and some make-over.. i wanted to change my template, but no time for this.. and maybe i should post more pictures (well.. no pictures right now hahaha)
i also need to upload pictures.. update websites.. update network sites..
hope i won’t be too lazy to do these.. ganbare!
it’s been almost a month since i had my birthday celebration. this year, i had a two-weekend celebration. compared to my previous birthdays here in japan, i spent the day alone. it fell on a weekday, so i had to go to work. i just cooked some pasta and bought myself an ice cream for dinner. my mom cooked something in the philippines to celebrate my birthday. then we just chatted for a while and then i just watched hell’s kitchen.
the sunday before my birthday, we had a practice for our presentation on Unity and Bonding Celebration last June 29. some of the members brought some food, since they knew that my birthday was 2 days after the practice. ate noemi brought some kaldereta/mechado and macaroni salad. ate monica brought paella. i’m not sure who brought the pansit. and i brought some donuts. it was fun, and we’re so content with what we’ve eaten. with regards to the practice, we were so productive. 
the next sunday after my birthday, the mikokoro saturday choir (with jay’s officemates) celebrated at outback. finally, i was able to claim my birthday steak! it was fun and i was so happy to be able to spend it with my friends. it’s a pity that milady and melany weren’t able to join us. but still, it was really fun.
overall, i am happy with how i celebrated my birthday. somehow, i managed to spend it “with” my family, and i got to spend it with old and new friends.
sometimes, we easily get hurt by the people around us. even if it’s trivial or petty, for us, it’s already a big deal.
words coming from someone close to me hurt me more than any physical injury. Unkind words, discouraging remarks, broken promises. Even if the person meant no harm, if he/she tells it to me in the wrong tone or wrong choice of words, i get hurt.
it’s not only words, but also in gestures and in actions. a forgotten date/anniversary/birthday. a change in the way he/she talks to me. an ignored request/favor. things like that.
i asked myself, why do i easily get hurt by these? a simple thing that another person does, then i already have tampo. then i realize, i get hurt ’cause i expect them to be this person, and they fell short of that person. and i also realize, i also expected them to think like it do. i expected them to be that person, because i know that i would do that to them. i will remember dates/anniversaries/birthdays. i take care in the words and tone i use to avoid offending anyone. i do my best in keeping my promises.
right now, i learned that to avoid any kind of disappointments from people, i should stop expecting. they don’t think　like i do, and they probably don’t know me that much to know if i’d be hurt/disappointed with what they’re going to say or do.
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