last night, i talked to a friend nun. it’s been a while since we last talked. and as we talked, i learned that some of our friends here have family problems. and then i figured, i really should be grateful that my problems are not that big, and that God has already been answering my (and my family’s) prayers slowly.
and i also learned that a friend was in the verge of falling into the same mistake again. that person should really be told off. so i told my friend that i would talk to that person, hopefully, before anything happens. i know that i’d be risking our friendship (if the previous incident didn’t), and i should be prepared to really say what i had to say. sheesh! anyway, i’m not a good friend (or christian that is!) if i let this pass again.
recently, i realized that i’ve been spending more time alone than i normally used to. well, i’ve never liked being alone, but surprisingly, i’ve been like that for several weeks now. “alone” in the sense that i hardly talk to anyone (e.g. sometimes the day goes by that i don’t “speak” to anyone.) i think there was a time that i only talked for 3 persons in one day! and not one of those conversations last for more than 20 minutes. grabe, for someone who really love to talk to other people, it’s as if i’ve deprived myself.
what do i do when i’m not talking with anyone? i sleep, watch japanese tv shows or movies online, and sometimes i read a book. you’d probably be thinking that i’m turning into this anti-social person. i’m most definitely not. but sometimes, i find silence comforting. for one, i don’t need to think a lot. i could be as carefree as i want (since watching videos or reading a book don’t require much strength or emotion on my part). though once in a while some things enter my mind, i try to distract myself with other things. haha.
but sometimes, i’m thinking, am i in this “stage” again? no.. probably not.. i hope not..
i’m feeling restless again. i feel the need to improve myself, to develop my skills more. but right now, the enthusiasm and the drive to learn more have been long gone. i’ve turned into this “zombie”, following and doing only the things that i was asked to do.
honestly, i don’t feel challenged in my current job. well, the challenge that i feel is limited to the hurdle of communicating effectively in japanese. though once in a while, i pick up new IT skills as i learn a new technology. but aside from this, basically i just do what they ask me to do. maybe that’s why i feel that i’m not that articulate anymore. for someone like me, i really need to be challenged to be better than my current self.
now what do i need to improve myself? pick up a new project that would make me think more, and learn more. or maybe, change jobs. haha. as if i could really do that. sheesh.. i’m restless again.. Lord, where do you want me to be?
another week has passed. and as usual, i’ve spent my sunday sleeping! hahaha.. the only productive thing i did was grocery shopping. oh, i also did the dishes. but aside from that, i was either on my bed sleeping or on my chair watching tv.
though my sunday was uneventful, my saturday wasn’t. we (jeah, victor, richard and me) went to adrian’s place. since he didn’t have any english class that time, he invited us for lunch. he prepared fried weaners, grilled pork, shrimps cooked in sprite (don’t know the name), some grilled eggplant (like ensalada), and boiled okra. yummy! somehow that lunch reminded me of a typical “lunch on the beach” in the philippines. after eating, we played poker while watching tv. instead of chips, we used toothpick! hahaha. and if someone lost all his/her “money”, he/she could get another set of toothpicks, but he/she should first drink a concoction of juices, soda and some condiments. fortunately, i didn’t get to drink that concoction. adrian said, it wasn’t that nasty, except for the taste of garlic(!) left in his mouth. and around 5pm, we went to mikokoro for the mass.
when we told henky what we did, he said that he also wanted to join next time and he even said that we could have it at their house. hahaha. we’re thinking that maybe we could do that once in a while, and we could have rotation on who would be the host i’m excited for our next bonding session.
we just had our weekly group meeting. and our boss asked us about our leaves for this month. since we have this recession in the office, he’s been asking us if we’re taking some leaves or not.
anyway, when he asked us in our meeting, i didn’t say that i’m planning to take some leaves. while conrad has still no definite plans, i’m not taking any leaves.
i also realized that yesterday, i only talked to 3 persons. talked to my mom in the morning, a friend later in the afternoon and my officemate early in the evening. i spent most of the day sleeping. i didn’t finish my chores, though i did finished my laundry and cooked food for this week.
though i’ve slept almost entirely the whole day yesterday, i still feel sleepy. haha. talk about laziness. lol.
they say change is the only permanent thing in this world. change is something that we can’t control nor prevent. and though it is inevitable that change comes once in a while in our lives, we really haven’t “mastered” the proper way to react about it.
there have been changes in my life for the past year. it has been a year since i resigned my previous job, i had a boyfriend and i went home. i’ve changed in how i think, how i feel and how i see things.
i was a cheerful and optimistic person. i was a very nice person, always trying to please everybody. i’ve always wanted to be with people and make them smile and laugh.
but now.. i find myself in deep thoughts, always thinking of the worst case that could possibly happen. optimistic thoughts have left me, and the “smiles” that i’ve easily shared with everyone are becoming harder and harder. and most of the time, i’d rather be alone and lost in my thoughts than with someone and pretend that nothing’s wrong. situations are pushing me to my limits, emotionally, mentally and psychologically. all the aspects of my life is in chaos, and nothing seems to be in order. i feel that i’ve no comfort zone left, and no encouragement seems to lift me up. everything’s superficial, and nothing seems real.
the sun is shining bright today, as if promising that today is a better day and inviting me to come out and have fun. but then, i just wish that i could just sleep through everything, and wish that everything’s over.
there are some personal stuffs that’s been bugging me for the longest time. honestly, i was hurt, as though i was directly involved in the matter, which i’m not. it pains me to see what had happened and i know that it pains you to see that we’re caught in the middle. with what happened with you, i know that you need time for healing and forgiveness. and the silence of everyone (or indifference for that matter) just proves that it’s far from over.
i can’t say that i don’t have resentments, nor say that i wasn’t affected. it’s just that, i felt that i’ve lost so much and yet, i didn’t do anything wrong. and it’s so unfair. i respect that you don’t want us to be involved, but couldn’t we be your friends in this matter? couldn’t we offer some words of encouragement or sympathy? or couldn’t you at least trust us that we’re sincere and that we really care for you?
i know i’m just ranting about it. and this would probably be the last time that i would talk about this matter. maybe one of the reasons why i’m like this is that i trusted you to know me better. but then again, probably i was wrong. i’m just so sad with what happened, since there’s a very slim chance that everything would return back to “normal”.
as i was browsing TF (an online community of pinoys here in japan), i came across this entry about an envoy in japan who, according to Sandiganbayan, misdeclared some information on her profile. according to the Ombudsman, she declared that she graduated Broadcast Communication from UP, but apparently, she didn’t finish the degree. the entire news entry is here.
i don’t know personally know the person to really say if she did graduate or not. actually, i don’t care. but what really concerns me is the embarassment that we’re facing as Filipinos due to this “scandal”. i’m not saying that if she happens to be locally assigned, it would be okay. it’s not. but since she’s a foreign diplomat, this incident is not helping the image nor reputation of the Filipino people. And she’s an envoy in Japan, for goodness sake, where people are so concerned with their reputation and integrity.
Coming from someone working abroad, i’m really pissed with this kind of news. every day, Filipinos abroad battle homesickness, cultural (and language) barriers and discrimination, and this kind of incident is not helping one bit. before we could even show them how good and capable we are, they’ve already decided and judged us because of what’s happening back home.
first, about GMA and her people eating in a posh NY restaurant. then her son’s “misdeclaration” of assets (from a mear 5M to 77M in just 5 years!). and now this.. no wonder we’re a poor country! because our government is so corrupt, instead of helping the country prosper, they add to the sufferings of the people. and sometimes, i can’t blame those people abroad who opt not to go back. they seem to have lost hope in the system.
i was searching for some videos and photos on my pc that i could upload to our organization’s website when i saw a video of our choir. It was taken 2007, while we’re trying to learn the song of Hangad, “How Lovely is Your Dwelling Place”. Dawn, our Singaporean pianist, was still here in Japan during that time.
as i watched the video, i can’t help but feel a bit nostalgic. i miss these people, i miss those happier times. i know that we’re all aware that everyone would soon go and leave the choir. although i’m quite aware of this reality, i would be a hypocrite to say that i don’t miss these people.
i still wish that some day, we’d all be together again, singing and playing for the Lord. maybe some day.. right now, all that i could do is wait for it is in God’s hands if He’ll let us all meet again.
i just miss these people whom i’ve considered my sisters in this foreign land.
i’ve been sitting on the idea if i’m going home this month for 4-5 days. since conrad’s in the philippines, of course, i wanted to meet him. but because of the current economic condition (in other words, recession), i have apprehensions of going.
Since the fare is expensive (actually, it’s cheaper than december fares, but hey! 25K pesos is 25K pesos!), and the fact that i can’t stay that long in RP since i’m in the middle of a project AND i want to work while there are still some work that i could do, i really have to think 100x before i decide on this. i know that meeting him would be priceless, but i also have to be practical in this situation, right?
sheesh.. can’t really decide.. i’d better get back to work before my head aches.
i’m excited for our next bonding session. 