and right now, i’m also that busy. the project has just started last september and development started last month. and based on our project schedule, we’d be like this until about april. but i’m not really complaining that i’m so busy. it somehow helps me to forget that christmas is just around the corner. i know that during this time, i’m more prone to homesickness, especially now that i’m alone here. first christmas without any filipinos around me. but of course, i would not stay home for the holidays. i’d be spending with ate cecile and her family in nagoya. christmas, after all, should be spent with family, or in my case, people i consider as family.

what do i really want? do i really want to stay or leave?

i just read a document, and i’m excited to see that there are a lot of things that could happen. honestly, i want to be a part of those things, share what i’ve learned and experienced. but also, a part of me felt that i was neglected, and a bit forgotten.

right now, i really don’t feel i belong to “that” family. i just read about them. i just see pictures of them. sometimes, i felt that it’s just courtesy to email me about stuffs. or it’s just polite to include me in the mailing list, but they don’t really give a damn about me (except for some real friends). actually, it’s better to receive these kind of letters, even if they don’t concern me, than not to receive at all. sometimes, i just get some news from “that” family through some friends.

maybe that’s why when the thought of “coming home” entered my mind, even if i’m hurt or i have resentments, i feel excited. the thought of coming home, the thought of renewing my ties to people, the thought of being with them once again, these made me feel that finally, i could really call them family.

but then again, maybe it’s time for me to grow and move on. maybe, in the future, i could come back and renew the ties that i had. maybe. just maybe.

and for me, i really didn’t.

The preparation for this event was not easy. The planning took months and we practiced for more than 2 months. It was hard for me, since I was tasked to facilitate the practice and to teach and conduct the songs that we’re going to sing. It was particularly hard because the people in the group were not from my age group. they’re older than me, old enough to be my mom. So personally, it was a difficult task to rally these women. Whenever I had to correct them, I had to consider their feelings and how I would say these to them.  i feel uncomfortable telling those older than me that they’re wrong.

the whole event was a success. everyone liked our presentation and i don’t think we did any major mistakes during the presentation. the audience enjoyed our presentation and we also had fun performing. and that’s the important thing right? building camaraderie with the other Filipinos and to be united as we live in a foreign land.

i also need to upload pictures.. update websites.. update network sites..

hope i won’t be too lazy to do these.. ganbare!

the sunday before my birthday, we had a practice for our presentation on Unity and Bonding Celebration last June 29. some of the members brought some food, since they knew that my birthday was 2 days after the practice. ate noemi brought some kaldereta/mechado and macaroni salad. ate monica brought paella. i’m not sure who brought the pansit. and i brought some donuts. it was fun, and we’re so content with what we’ve eaten. with regards to the practice, we were so productive.

the next sunday after my birthday, the mikokoro saturday choir (with jay’s officemates) celebrated at outback. finally, i was able to claim my birthday steak! it was fun and i was so happy to be able to spend it with my friends. it’s a pity that milady and melany weren’t able to join us. but still, it was really fun.

overall, i am happy with how i celebrated my birthday. somehow, i managed to spend it “with” my family, and i got to spend it with old and new friends.

words coming from someone close to me hurt me more than any physical injury. Unkind words, discouraging remarks, broken promises. Even if the person meant no harm, if he/she tells it to me in the wrong tone or wrong choice of words, i get hurt.

it’s not only words, but also in gestures and in actions. a forgotten date/anniversary/birthday. a change in the way he/she talks to me. an ignored request/favor. things like that.

i asked myself, why do i easily get hurt by these? a simple thing that another person does, then i already have tampo. then i realize, i get hurt ’cause i expect them to be this person, and they fell short of that person. and i also realize, i also expected them to think like it do. i expected them to be that person, because i know that i would do that to them. i will remember dates/anniversaries/birthdays. i take care in the words and tone i use to avoid offending anyone. i do my best in keeping my promises.

right now, i learned that to avoid any kind of disappointments from people, i should stop expecting. they don’t think　like i do, and they probably don’t know me that much to know if i’d be hurt/disappointed with what they’re going to say or do.

As I talk with my friends, they usually (if not always) tell me that I’ve changed. It’s annoying sometimes, but I’ve already gotten used to hearing, “Is that really you? It’s like I’m talking with another person!” I really can’t blame them, I even surprise myself with how I react to situations now.

Before, I was very conscious not to change while in Japan. I was thinking, I have a “reputation” that I need to hold on to. My family and friends knew me as this person, so I was trying to hold on to that “person”. But of course, as I experience life, with no pressure or influence from my family and friends, it’s impossible not to change. I’m just glad that as I change, my family and friends also accepted and welcomed the changes that happened to me. After all, I believe these changes have improved me.

another year will be added to my age.. but before i get too excited on my birthday, i think it would be best if i give you a personal update about myself. a recap on what happened these past weeks/months..

the first in my list, psj. i was elected last april as the secretary in this organization. so i was busy doing the tasks of the secretary. and to tell you honestly, i feel that i’m also doing the job of the PRO. in one month of being the secretary, i’ve written invitations letters, invitation cards for the oath-taking ceremony, and i’ve written the minutes of the last EXECOM meeting. Aside from this, i’m also managing psj’s website. the next tasks in my list: update the contents of the site, upload the gallery, create a membership system and “manage” the documents of the group.

second is, performances & practices. i’ve been practicing with the people from johokubashi church for the “Unity and Bonding” Celebration of the Diocese of Nagoya on June 29. I admit, it’s actually hard to facilitate the practice. and i know that we’re not yet ready for that day, and that we still have so many things to practice. especially the “I Will Follow Him” song. the second voice is really hard to practice..

third, CFC/SFC. It’s been a while since i last had any support from a catholic community. i had it when i was in college, and when i graduated, though i hardly attended the meetings, i still had some support from my cell group. and of course, the worship time.

fourth, thinking about my future. i’ve been thinking about so many things. and i know that the decisions i’m making will affect my whole life and my future. but hopefully, these decisions will make me closer to Him, and hope it’s what He wants for me.

This morning, I saw on the news about the suicide of Ako Kawada, a TV announcer here in japan. She worked for TBS from 2002 to 2006, and then she became a freelancer. She was found dead yesterday morning in a car due to carbon monoxide poisoning (which is becoming a common way to commit suicide here in japan). For the news article, click here.

According to her blog, she’s in pain and that she’s experiencing physical and mental fatigue. Her management noticed the change in her physical appearance and they had given her an advice to see the doctor. And she also worked last Saturday, one of talents even noticed that she’s a bit perky that day.

Honestly, before I saw this news article, I really don’t know her. But when I saw the news, I was really sad and affected by it. If only she talked to a friend.. If only someone checked on her last Sunday.. If only.. *sigh*

This is a very sad reality in Japan’s society. And to her family, my condolences.