have you ever felt sad but you have no idea why? well, i feel like that. i don’t know if i’m homesick, or if i miss someone or i’m just having those mood swings that you associate with hormones. but then, i just had my period a week ago.. i’m not that sure if there’s such a thing as post-menstrual mood swings..

anyway, i really can’t shake off this feeling. it’s like, i just want to curl up in my bed and sleep all the day.. i’ve been thinking of something that could make me happy. thought about food that i love, but since it’s friday today (and i’ve devoted myself to abstain from meat during lent), means that i can’t eat pasta. i’ve thought of buying something something for myself, but since i’m in a tight spot, i really can’t just buy something impulsively. or maybe i should try to cheer myself up by watching a lot of videos or maybe read some books.. hopefully, i cheer myself up before i get bored.

how about you? any suggestion? how do you cheer yourself up when you’re feeling blue?

i’ve been here in japan for more than 4 years, but i still don’t have any savings. people find it hard to believe, and sometimes i do too.

but looking back, i finally understood why. aside from helping out with the finances at home, i had this mentality of “spend to be happy”.

everyone knows very well that i’m living alone in japan, and homesickness is not new to me especially in my first few years. aside from attending mass weekly, i usually travel and meet my friends in yokohama and osaka. and these are not cheap. i also try to travel in and around nagoya with new found friends. plus, dining out with friends in italian restaurants and steak houses.

and of course, shopping. who could resist the gadgets here in japan?? not to mention the 3g phones and the very fast internet. nothing here is cheap.

but i know how to save, as long as i have a goal. i usually save for my vacation back home. and i spend everything during the holidays. sometimes, i feel that i’m working so that i’d have money to spend during my vacation. lol.

now that i’m getting older (argh.. as much as i want to deny it, i have to face reality that i’m not getting younger), i feel the need to save for my future. and for this year, i FIRMLY resolve that i would. but.. BUT i’m not saying that i would deprive myself of all of these things. i would have to just lessen my expenses and be a smart, and not an impulsive, buyer/traveller.

okay.. since i’m inspired by the Julie/Julia Project, i think i also need to set some deadline and some goal. i would save 300K yen by December 2010. since this is savings, i should have a separate savings for my travel expenses on my vacation in the Philippines that time.

Ganbarimasu!

I told myself that i would settle “things” before i leave for the Philippines. I told myself that I should start the new year right and with a clean slate, so I had to do this before I ran out of time.

But what are the things that I need to tell her? Do I really need to talk to her? yeah.. I think I do, for my peace of mind. I know that we’ve grown apart, and you could feel the awkwardness that we have for each other. To think that we’re so close before, or so I thought. I just felt betrayed, and somehow, a part of me was thinking that I could have done something if I only knew what was happening. But as everyone else, I was left out of the dark.

I’ve noticed it, but I didn’t take it seriously since I heard from the other girl that she knew the communication going on between them. So I just disregard it. And then, after learning the truth, everything exploded and nothing could be done to mend it. And the sad part, she regarded it as if nothing happened. It made me think, does she really understand the gravity of what happened? does she really understand how many people were hurt, how many relationships were broken because of what they did?

I’m not asking her to ask for forgiveness to me or to the group, since we’re not directly involved in this thing. But at least, show us some remorse, or regret of the things that she did. People easily dismiss of what she did, merely because she’s younger than them. But hey, reality check, she’s already at the legal age. The fact is, she’s still immature. (Read: IMMATURE.) Can you excuse someone of the things that they did just because they’re immature? of course not. How would they “grow old”, so to speak, if people keep on excusing them. They should learn that in the grown-up world, people take responsibility and accept the consequences of their actions. They don’t just ignore and pretend that nothing happened.

Lord, please help me to voice out these points properly to her.

“the truth shall set you free.” does it?

if you’re the one who’s telling, the truth might set you free. but if you’re on the receiving end, what would you do with the truth that you’ve just heard? will it also give you the freedom that the other person achieved?

as i’ve read my sister’s entry about the truth setting her free, i come to realize that we really think alike. like my sister, i’d rather be told the truth, no matter how painful it may be, than to be left wondering. it’s easier to deal with the pain of rejection, than deal with the uncertainty and the waiting. at least with pain, you can cry your heart out and then it’s over. the wound will take some time to heal, but at least you could move on.

and how do you handle the “waiting”? i agree with what she said, that you can’t force the truth out of a person. but until when should a person wait? and when should a person quit and just move on?

maybe the only thing that she needs to do is to decide. decide if she would continue the LONG wait, or just accept that this “silence” meant that she should just give up and move on. but should she decide to wait, she should decide until when she’s going to endure it.